Lonelies

Missy gone long walkies an not comin back for over a dog year. Not like. Boss no like. Him smell sad and lonely but not say so.

I meen, wassa dog to do? Got no talks to make boss feel better and me try doggy doctrin, but him tell me put my tongue away cos him no like.

Me cuddle to bosses leg an he scratch me ears which big goods. Me like, but Boss got such big sads I's can feel it.

I's only a dog.

BAD HUMNA'S!

Boss look at me an him say "Sorry boy, got to cut down carbon, so no more pets."

WHAT! I is one vewy pissed off mutt. Me look for peeps to bite cos they tell my boss he gotta send me away. I no wanna leeve my Boss. Him my bestest pack leeder. Them say no more cuddles at Boss feetz? No more walkies? Hah! Who is them?

Wossis stoopid carbon stuff anyshows? Is like charcoal biccy boss gimme when me get the farts and missy boss get cross? Not like. Nasty peeps say him keep pet for eatings, not fussings. Boss say if keeps for eetingz is not pet. I is house dog. I got proper job guard boss an missy from bad things.

Boss can eat nasty green peeps, no me. Nasty green peeps is dogfood. Mutts hates greens! Send 'em to humna vets for bricking. I no leev my boss!

Pikture him say lotz of wordz;

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Much strangeness

Boss very strange today. Him talkin' like there ovver humna's in rum. I fink he tellin I off. Me not like so go hide in box. Him say angry stuff and scare me, but then him call me and fuss me an say "No bovver boy. You good dog."

Me fink my Boss very strange. He spend far too much time wiv folding placcy clicky 'pooter.

Cats is no clean

Catz is own punishment. Cats carry icky diseases. Hah! that teech next doors moggy to call me 'dirty ol mutt. I show him report fing from bosses paper sayin' cat owners got mersa. Him no call me no 'dirty ol mutt no more. I tell him he can lick hisself all he wants but him still a mucky moggy.

I'd roll in bear shit if I could find me some, I's so happy. Woof!

Bifstooo! Gimme Bifstoo!

Boss say 'no' and 'bad dog' when I try sneakies into the foods place. No my fault. It him makin lots of lubberly smelly stuff in hot box that smell of fartz. Lass night, Boss gimme treat for being very good. Him say, "Hey boy. You wan treat?" Was my mother a bitch? Corse I wanna treet. Treets is good stuff and makes I much happys.

Boss call stuff Bifstoo. He make too much for him an Missy to eat, so me gets nice treets. Me lick foods up and down yard, cos you always miss a bit if you don't. It gorgeous, it mouth slobberingly wonderfull that beat dogfud into treeplace.

Boss better cook more soon, or he gonna have his boots gnawed.

Newsies

All is happy Humna's now. Boss smell happy. Missy smell happy, an we go lookin for big house to live in. Nice Humna there like me, an give me treats even though I not go walkies with him.

Boss not takin pills no more, so no more grunty noises from the throne of smells. Throne of smells not so bad smellin neither.

Me go see my big friend twice a day, an we go smell the news. He tell me 'bout his Humna's, an I go tell him what a strange Boss mine is. He fink is funny, but he a pedigree an they is a bit fick like that.

Poorly Boss

Me keepin' clear of Boss cos him smell funny. Sort of funnier than usual. He bit poorly so go to Humna Vets and come back wiv pill. Boss look at pill, poke it, look at me an say "What you fink boy?" I slunk off to my box. No good gettin near Boss when he in funny mood, an' I ain't larfin.

Boss take pill and wait. He say, "This ain't so bad." Harf hour later all I can hear is grumble, grumble from Bosses tum, an he slink off to throne of smells in the Humna gettin wet room. Lots of 'phrp!' an' other horrible grunty noises I could hear even in my box. Him stuck in there for hours. He was late with my walkies and everything. I did take a sniff later, but it was orrible. I wouldn't have left a cat in there.

This not good enuff. The service in this here doghouse has gone right downhill. Maybe if I suck up to Missy, she be better at feedin me reglar.

I know dis feelin

A Dog was humiliated in front of an entire park recently. Hah! Well he was a pedigree. Ficker than a plank sannich.

Boss does this to me all the time. Is I humilatin? Nah. Too many intressin fings to sniff.

Boss a bit miffed. Missy an little missy gonna be away two more days 'cos big rattly tin box gone whoops. Boss lonely. He pining. I'd give him a treat, but those are mine.

That'll teach him to leave me on ym own.

Joy

Yay! Littlelest pack humna has come to visit with toys and treats. My tail never wagged so hard. Missy Boss smell strange happy sad, and Boss pissed off with Missy 'cos she an little Missy pack member is having cross type 'o fing with each other.

Little Missy gone big school far away an' smell, well, diffrunt. She gettin hedicated an looking for own Boss to play nice with. She smell pretty, but she shy. Happy sad doggy thoughts.

Two years old?

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Age in world weeringnuss and cynicism four million. We been roun' you humna's too long.

Dog smarts

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Dogs as intelligent as two year old humnas? Hah! Human two year olds not as clever as us dogs, mutts far more 'telligent than humna. Me at two could;

Fetch own lead.
Roll over an play ded,
Chase ball when Boss throw it
Remind Boss of time for feeding
Catch treat
Sit when boss say
Smell danger better than any poxy two year old humna
Cuddle Boss's knee
Calculate dogarithms in head
Write ethical treatises on beef bone acquisition
Unnerstand quantum cat chasing
Wag tail
Cheer up Boss when he feeling bad

Hah! Me more clever than humna, even if paws not meant for keyboard an I can't spell. Lots of humna no as clever as mutt dogs. Mutt dogs cleverest. Pedigrees fick as plank sannich, like humna supermodels.

Gotta go. Boss wanna use 'pooter.

Sniffing

Boss smells a little Better today. He missed my morning walkies yesterday, and was limping a lot. Time for the vets I think.

Mistress has been cross with him recently. Has there been some human on human cruelty going on that I've missed?

Snug and cosy

It's bad enough trying to use a tree for its proper purpose when the nasty thing is waving all over the place and bits are dropping off it. When I took boss for his afternoon walkies, having visited the nice dog sitting man and lady, I felt like I needed some tail protection. Being sheared is all very well, but when that wind gets up, my important little places don't half catch it. Brrrr!

Good news

Nice dog sitting people are okay. Just a bit of a scare, that's all. Boss is up and around now and not smelling of horrible stuff that he says eases his aches and pains. Well if he won't let me lick it better, he should expect it to ache, that's all I've got to say. Some of the stuff he put on made me hide in my box it was that pungent.

Euwww.

Anyway. Time for food and walkies.

Worryings

Boss is poorly. He wouldn't get out of bed this morning despite my best attempts at doggy people doctoring. How much face have I got to lick before he takes me walkies? In the end mistress fed me and took me out, but it's not the same. Have not heard from nice dog sitting people. Hope they're all right.

Bad news

There are days in this dogs life when he wants to crawl into his sleep box and hide from the sadness. Boss has been busy today swearing and making mean noises over a little black box that folds in half and lights up every once in a while. Yet today I hunkered down and kept quiet after the dog sitting man and lady, who I always like going to see because they give me extra treats, had a bad scare.

Dog sitting lady had to go to people vets in a big hurry. Boss smelled sad when he heard and let me sit on his feet for a long time after dark tonight. I don't like it when Boss goes quiet and smells sad. That means something bad might have happened to my dog sitting friends.

Please don't let the nice dog sitting lady go away. She is kind to me, and likes Boss like her own puppy. Mind you, Bosses puppy days are long since past, but he still plays with me. Yet he might not want to play so much if the nice dog sitting lady went away.

I'm afraid the nice dog sitting man might go away too if she did, and I wouldn't like that at all. They smell right.

Whine (Paws over nose = deep canine anxiety), grumble. Scratch left ear. Not a good news day.

Chilly willy

Oh boy! It's snowing! Boss takes me for walks in the woods where I've found a very tasty pile of Deer shit. This is canine caviar (To me anyway). It's really yummy and although Boss tells me off for troughing it, I can't help myself. Anyway, I've seen Boss and Mistress tucking into those dark round things at night with a drink, so who is he to tell me off? I try to tell him that I don't mind him getting cross, but every time I try to kiss his hand he pulls it away. I don't even have dog breath.

I feel very hurt.

Love the snow though, although having had all my nice warm fur shaved off, I'm glad I'm not a Jack Russell, or worse still, a Dachshund. Ooooh! At least my important little places don't get dragged through the cold stuff. No wonder they've got such high pitched barks.

I hate my boss

Boss is a big old meanie, and I think mistress put him up to it. Last weekend we all piled into the big rattly tin box and I got all excited thinking I was going to see friends. Hah! The bastard took me to the vets where they stuck needles in me and gave me one (Is that all) biscuit. This weekend we all piled in the tin box and rattled off to, yeah, you guessed it, more bloody needles and only one bloody biscuit. Don't it make you want to bite someone? Right after that I got taken to a dog beauty parlour where they shaved all my fur off. All of it. I mean, look at my TAIL for gods sake!

I'm so ashamed. Bastards. I hate my boss.

'Allo

I'm a dog, so what do I know. I borrow this computer when my master is off doing those obscure things humans do before coming home and slumping onto the four legged sit on things he keeps kicking me off. Why shouldn't I be allowed soft things to snuggle up on? Besides, I like being close to his scent, even if he is a farty bad tempered old sod.

Today the Internet goes canine! Behold the magnificent speed of dog!